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Cat's Logs - Week 42

Perhaps the most elevated and detailed rules of petiquette relate to the food dish.

These rules are so complex, in fact, that the experience has been divided into the four phases of feeding.

Phase I is Acceptance, and is often of great interest humans. It is critical that no cat accept any food except the exact item he or she desires at that exact moment. Very few morsels are consumed during Phase I.

Phase II is Inspection. No food must ever be accepted during this phase. Some ancient inspection techniques include putting your nose 8 inches from the food and wrinkling up your face, making digging in the litterbox motions inches from the food dish, and walking slowly from the room.

Phase III is Avoidance. Even a human can figure out how to do this.

Phase IV is Privacy, which means you must never eat in a human's presence.

Along with the phases is the golden rule: If you eat it, they'll serve it to you again... and again... and again.

GlennaJo says I'm just naturally "cute."

Of course, she's wrong. I'm naturally virile, handsome and soulful.

The point, however, is the same. Looking adorable is an art form, not a mere chance of nature.

My best feline grooming tip is to be sure you get enough sleep. There is nothing less attractive than a listless kitty. Twenty-two hours is usually sufficient, with napping concentrated during the time your attendant is awake to attend to things for you.

By getting plenty of sleep, you'll be in your best form for implementing grooming tip #2: Ensure you are fed regularly precisely four hours apart 24 hours a day. Human attendants are forgetful and may sleep through a feeding or two unless you keep them on their toes. Once the food is in the bowl, you can relax and resume your slumber.

A serving in the bowl is worth two in the can.

Tuesday, October 26, 1999

This week I'll be discussing some of the emotional differences between felines and humans.

Humans are the only known creatures whose emotions are largely dictated by something called, "attitudes." (And they call themselves a superior species!)

Apparently an event can be good, bad, threatening, soothing, uplifting, etc., based not on the actual event itself, but on the human's inner "attitude."

For example, getting a promotion at work, with its increased liver treat buying power, greater prestige and opportunity to leave behind all the little annoyances of the previous position, would seem like a wonderful thing. But many humans turn it into a stressful, threatening event and soon come up with a whole fresh slate of annoyances.

Other humans even react with anger and frustration when you innocently ask, "How are you?"

Felines, on the other hand, only react to real threats...

like the absence of liver treats or a half-full food bowl.

Wednesday, October 27, 1999

Stress is another area where cats and humans are very different.

When possibly threatened, cats jump to alertness, as you can easily observe if you are rude enough to pet one who's sleeping. Cats quickly and efficiently assess the situation and, in all but a few rare incidences involving the food bowl, go back to sleep.

In contrast, humans can remain in a state of "stress" for hours, weeks and even years. They have a term, "stressed out," to describe being constantly under pressure.

Another difference is when cats jump to full alert there's always a real observable event that caused it. Humans can be daydreaming, gasp in horror, and begin worrying about something that might not ever happen.

If you ask me, humans need to chill out and get more sleep.

Not all humans, but a vocal minority, hate other humans, even those who are miles away minding their own business.

This "prejudice" is inconceivable to cats. Cats do not hate. And they are far too busy sleeping to care what's happening miles away.

To a feline, the vast majority of humans are irrelevant (those outside the cat's territory and his personal space).

If you insist on hanging out near one of us (after all, it's natural to be attracted to excellence), you are either tolerable or intolerable. This is a temporary decision which will change to "irrelevant" as soon as you are considerate enough to leave.

If a feline is viewing you with a fixed unyielding stare, you are intolerable and a quick exit is the only acceptable response. A cat who slowly closes his eyes has decided to allow you to remain for the time being.

Tolerance is never having to say "I love you."

Humans establish strong ties called "loyalty" to other humans, animals, and even abstract entities like their employers and governments.

One of GlennaJo's friends believes all Republicans are evil and all Democrats are good. It doesn't matter what they do, the worst act of any Democrat can be explained to be better than the best act of any Republican. I like politicians: when GlennaJo has them on the TV it's easy to fall asleep. That kind of consideration for others is why politicians are called public servants.

Feline "loyalty" is more pragmatic. It extends from the time a cat anticipates a pleasurable experience until that experience has been delivered. Once the liver treats are in the bowl, the waitress becomes irrelevant.

Another example is sleeping arrangements. Comfort, not affection, dictates where we cats sleep. In the Winter, I snuggle up against GlennaJo's warm body in bed. On hot days the kitchen chair is much more airy and comfortable.

An hourly liver treat is the building block of feline loyalty.

Control freaks are another type of human with no feline counterpart.

GlennaJo is a prime example. When she wants me next to her and I indicate my objection with a turn of the head, she scoops me up and sets me there anyway.

Hey! I'm not stupid or physically challenged. If I wanted to be next to you, I'd be there. If my answer to your request was, "yes," I'd have moved by now.

Another area of obsessive control is food. She eats chocolate, fruit, vegetables, bread, meat, cheese, milk, you name it. I get fed cereal, the occasional crumb of bread and very rarely a microscopic piece of meat.

When I ask for more she says, "It isn't good for you."

I don't tell her what to eat...

why can't she live and let live?

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