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Cat's Logs - Week 40

I think African safaris are highly overrated.

Lions and tigers are magnificent to look at, but I can do without humungous teeth, even when they belong to my distant cousins.

In addition, I have no desire to feast on wildebeest: my scientifically formulated cat food meets my needs perfectly (at least when supplemented with a dozen liver treats a day).

No, I am NOT afraid to hunt a wildebeest! I used to battle rats that big all the time in the slums of L.A.

But, why be wasteful when a bowl of my usual food hits the spot just right?

A field trip to the bird house at the local zoo, however, would be most appreciated.

I take a completely scientific and scholarly interest in the behavior and habits of birds. I also have a great deal of interest in their environment.

My greatest interest is in birds that spend a lot of time on the ground, and watching birds bathing in the little raised pool is very educational. Birds over two pounds and those that hang out in the air all the time are not really very attractive.

I also stay alert to distractions in the environment, wishing to study those that cause the birds to focus their attention away from me.

Please! Can we go? I'm a cheap date: I'll be happy to pick up my own souvenir.

Tuesday, October 12, 1999

While reading the mail today, GlennaJo said jokingly, "Maybe we should enroll you in preschool."

I don't think this is particularly funny.

In the first place, with my sparkling personality, good manners, friendly attitude and great looks, I'm sure I'd be very popular.

And then I hear they study napping every day. I know of very few who are better at napping than I am, and none of them are humans.

Plus learning to get along with other people is very important in preschool. I am very successful at this because I always ensure everyone understands what it takes to get along with me.

What's that? You think my grade would be lower if they studied humility in preschool? You no doubt suffer from the misconception that humility equals having a low self image. On the contrary, humility means having an accurate self image.

Which is something else I excel at.

Wednesday, October 13, 1999

Speaking of education, felines have a long and distinguished tradition of sharing wisdom with their young.

Unlike humans, whose view of education seems to consist of drilling boring facts into young minds until they go to sleep, feline instruction is lively, fun and results oriented.

Take, for example, the critical skill of climbing. In the rare event a feline meets an enemy he can neither charm nor conquer, climbing is a vital survival skill.

Climbing can also provide hours of mental stimulation and pleasure. When the climbee is your sleeping attendant, say, the challenge of knowing exactly how long you can remain attached without harm hones both reflexes and judgment.

Admit it - A kitten climbing on you is just too cute to punish.

Humans say cats can't be taught.

They say such things because their world view is totally human-centric and they are incredibly unobservant as a species.

There is no skill so universally mastered by humans as using the catbox is by felines. You never hear the mother of a two-year-old cat lament her "potty training" struggles. Our educational methods are so efficient that kittens begin using the box virtually as soon as they start walking.

If human education were this effective, we'd be expanding to other solar systems by now.

Why don't felines invent space travel if we're so smart?

Who wants to be on a strange planet without an attendant?

Another human misconception is that feline education is simple because there is little to teach.

Au contraire!

Due to the self-centered, "I am the king of this house," attitude of most humans, felines must learn two completely separate sets of rules for behavior:

Of course, some rules are always true like: "Get plenty of sleep."

Another skill no feline should be without is botanical identification.

Humans are constantly bringing toxic plants like philodendrons into the house rather than healthy and beneficial herbs like catnip.

Young felines must learn to follow the correct plant identification method to protect themselves from "accidental" poisoning.

Step 1 - Move the pot to the floor for a leisurely examination.

Step 2 - Separate the individual plants so all can be identified. Grinding excess dirt into the carpet makes the stems and roots easier to see.

Step 3 - Perform a stress test on each leaf by batting at it with claws extended.

Step 4 - Weigh and measure at least 20% of the stems by dragging them across the carpet.

Step 5 - If the plant appears safe so far, take bites out of the 10 largest and most attractive leaves and/or blossoms and then spit them out.

Step 6 - Whatever you do, don't eat the plant ...

who knows what it is?!?

Chats
20 in x 24 in
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Squirt
18 in x 24 in
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