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Cat's Logs - Week 33

Don't be fooled by Mz. Veldt's alleged poem.

Many cats are very skilled and distinguished poets.

c a t cummings provided a harsh but realistic portrait of fog when he wrote:

"The fog stumbles in on big clumsy human feet, dumping its huge damp sweaty self all over the landscape."

And another feline realist wrote:

"I think that I will never see a poem lovely as me."

Then there's the immortal Beocat, an ancient epic poem in which a pure and honorable feline protagonist overcomes a dreadful six-foot two-legged nearly hairless monster.

And of course as everyone knows ...

The grace of a cat is the soul of poetry.

Felines also excel in the dramatic arts.

For example, in Liver Dance, a company of felines nap and roam aimlessly in unison accompanied by soft soothing music.

Then there's The Importance of Being Feline in which a handsome young Tom wins his true love by using an assumed name and flaunting his natural excellence.

And even many humans are familiar with Shakeclaw's immortal lines from Catlet:

"To purr or not to purr, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the hugs and kisses of outrageous humans, Or to take teeth against a sea of kisses, And by opposing end them?"

Indeed, life with a feline never lacks for drama.

Tuesday, August 24, 1999

An ancient and revered work of feline nonfiction is Eye to Eye by Catfucious.

In Eye to Eye, the 1000 ancient stations of the eyelid are described and illustrated.

Eye to Eye was a ground breaking work and is still required reading at all feline secondary schools. Even at that young age, many small scrawny cats have praised the work. They especially appreciate its 100 ways of saying, "I surrender" to school bullies.

It is also an invaluable aid in courtship where it is crucial to clearly say, "I admire your excellence," rather than the very similar "one more move and I'm attacking."

	I admire your excellence:
	One more move and I'm attacking:

As the saying goes, the eye is mightier than the sword.

Wednesday, August 25, 1999

To assist the human portion of my audience, here is a page from a feline preschool workbook covering the ancient stations of the eyelid:

	Leave me alone, already!
	You may approach humbly on your knees.
	You may scritch my neck in the one exact spot I want it scritched now, but beware of getting carried away.
	You are tolerable and may remain near me. (This sign is sometimes accompanied by purring.)
	I'm asleep - leave me alone.

Thursday, August 26, 1999

It is, however, a foolish human who sees only the eyes without noticing the tail.

The feline tail is an extension of the spinal column and can be an extremely expressive indicator of a cat's mood. Feline scientists theorize that this extra brain matter accounts for our superior intelligence.

To help my human audience interface more effectively with felines, here is an explanation of the five most common tail positions:

	Let's go!
	I don't think so.
	I'm not sure.
	Prey!
	I'm asleep--leave me alone.

Many a human has mistaken the majestic and dignified movements of a cat's tail for the crude and indiscriminate wagging of a dog.

This can result in major misunderstandings of the dental kind.

Cats never cease to communicate.

Even their very presence and location send clear messages.

For example, you may have noticed felines sitting on newspapers, books and clean laundry. This gesture indicates, "the item is mine now and I've marked it with my scent."

On the other hand, voluntarily getting on the couch to sleep only a foot or two away from you is a great honor indicating, "your presence is better than nothing."

And, of course, when a cat is in your lap rubbing his tail against your face, he is clearly saying, "I'm in charge here and can do whatever I want."

The presence of a cat transforms a place into an event.

Felines also have an extensive sign language.

Usually only employed after other efforts at communication have failed, sign language can be likened to human writing.

For example, rows of fresh scratches on the leg of the table indicate, "I don't like my new scratching post," while shredded sofa cushions inform you, "I felt like shredding the cushions."

Water all over the kitchen floor clearly says, "I'd like more water, please."

And snags in the drapes or screens let you know, "The view near the ceiling is lovely."

Excellent scratching posts, hourly fresh water, and a large cat tree in the largest window of every room go a long way toward reducing sign language.

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