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Cat's Logs - Week 15

I generally think of myself as a pretty skilled human trainer.

But if you know where I can enroll GlennaJo in remedial napping, please let me know.

In the first place, GlennaJo has allegedly taken two naps today. The first involved tossing and turning in the bed at a rate that defies the laws of physics.

The second "nap" involved bringing a book into the bed and gluing her eyes to it for an hour.

And when I pointed out that napping involves sleeping, she had the nerve to refer to her dysfunctional behavior as "cat naps."

An animal WAS harmed in the writing of this column.

Supposedly it was an accident--I was trying to run into the den and pounce on Mz. Veldt and GlennaJo was blocking my way. I wasn't about to back down, my paw ended up under hers--and was it ever big and heavy!

I did my most dramatic three-legged walk across the living room, eliciting the desired sounds of sympathy from the perpetrator. I lay on my side on the carpet, holding my paw limply one inch above the floor.

GlennaJo looked at my paw repeatedly, apparently disappointed that it didn't swell up like a balloon. Then she got out the silent prey and led me through the living room and back.

Sympathy and guilt are nice, but the silent prey is irresistible.

It took all of my determination to stand up to GlennaJo tonight.

She wanted me to sleep on the couch next to her. I did this last evening, just like usual, so she just takes it for granted I'll do it again tonight. How could any cat stand for such treatment?

GlennaJo needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her. She is so totally stubborn and self-centered.

To provide this lesson, I refused to stay on the couch for more than 5 seconds at a time.

Self-respecting cats must stand up to human stubbornness.

GlennaJo's trying to speak cat again--it would be funny if I didn't need to know what she's trying to say.

It's almost like visual Morse code. First she closes her eyes for so long you wonder if she's communicating or going into a coma. Then she opens them and closes them just long enough to imply something. But what?

And why does she do this right next to my food dish? Is it an offer of liver treats? Or a threat to withhold food if I don't respond properly?

If you ask me, the food dish is no place for experiments.

GlennaJo said people brought their daughters (and sons) to work today--I think "take your cat to work day" would make much more sense.

After all, efficiency is very important to businesses, and who knows more about efficiency than those of us who are so organized we can fit all the necessities of life into just a couple hours a day, freeing the rest for important things like sleep.

And then there's the need to establish priorities. We cats have a very clear sense of priority and don't waste time on things of little importance, like our attendants' feelings.

Leadership is another quality cats can bring to the workplace. We are rarely convinced to do things someone else's way.

If more cats were involved in business, the catnip industry would have the prominence it deserves.

GlennaJo is threatening me with another vacation.

She says we'll be together every day for a whole week. I find this very disturbing.

At night GlennaJo tosses and turns until you think you're sleeping through an earthquake. And during the day, she's reaching over and petting, hugging, poking or kissing me several times an hour. When am I gonna sleep?

Just about the time I get used to having her around she'll leave me alone for a whole day, then do it again the day after.

Actually that sounds kinda nice.

GlennaJo forced me to take my nap next to the camera today.

Ever since this "valuable corporate asset" junk started, the camera's never been far away, but this is ridiculous.

Now, you may be imagining an ordinary camera: some sort of small square object. But GlennaJo wouldn't be satisfied with anything so normal. She's got a huge telephoto lens that she uses for everything. And then there's the antique flash unit offset from the camera and plugged into the wall with an extension cord. I mean, this thing takes up serious real estate.

Now she's looking at digital cameras--I sure hope they're smaller.

Chats
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Squirt
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